I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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