Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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