Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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