I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
