yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
