My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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