new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
