i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
