Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
