I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize
