The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
