He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
