I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
