DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
