Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
