You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
