Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Come share oat with me in your robe
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize