chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
if only i could text you this smell
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
