i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize