i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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