there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
