I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
are you so shy because you have an std?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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