someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
