You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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