I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize