Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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