i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
