Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
