I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
