On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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