Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
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