I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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