Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
