If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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