she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
