She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
