I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
