just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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