So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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