You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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