bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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