We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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