we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
