we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
