I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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