I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
