I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
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