On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize