im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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