so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
