Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
