The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
