Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
