There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
