I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
