I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
