Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
