its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
