:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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