you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize