How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
